My name is Jennifer, and I am an addict. Hi Jennifer. For as long as I can remember, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I eat because I am depressed, I am depressed because I am overweight, and the cycle continues on and on and on. I actually have an unhealthy relationship with a lot of things. Not only am I addicted to food, but I also have unhealthy addictions to cigarettes and alcohol. None of these things have ever made me happy, and the end result has been disastrous.
Here I am, twenty-seven years old: single, morbidly obese, the blood pressure of a fifty year old man, and completely and utterly depressed. I get headaches every day. I try to blame them on pressure changes in the atmosphere and my sensitivity to light, but I know in my heart that if I lost weight, quit smoking, and never drank again… I would feel a whole lot better. Actually, if I just did one of these things, I would feel a whole of a lot better.
This morning I woke up with the intention to start another cleanse. Yeah, I know what you are thinking… trust me I know. I did the Master Cleanse for three days at the end of August and lost 13 lbs. Just the fact that I was carrying that much weight in water is insanity. (I actually do retain water really bad, and swell all the time from it.) Obviously, my body is off balance. Anyway, back on topic. I ate two pizza rolls out of the trash after having my half bottle of Odwalla Protein Shake this morning. Yes, out of the trash. The worst part is, I threw up in the trash last night because I ate too much, those pizza rolls were on top of the vomit bag.
This is a really hard thing for me to write about. I have never admitted to myself, let along anyone else, that I have an eating disorder. But, as time has progressed, I have realized that this is what I have. I binge, I puke, I binge, I puke. I diet, I overeat, I puke, I diet, I overeat… and the beat goes on.
After eating those pizza rolls, it was like “game on”. But, something happened and I stopped myself. I was already on my phone looking at the Maps app to see what fast food was close that I could binge on, and then I decided to smoke a cigarette instead. (Side note: I am also trying to quit smoking on this cleanse. We will see how that goes.) So, instead of going and getting food, I took my dog for a walk, smoked a cigarette, and came back here to write this truth.
The problems with my weight never really exacerbated until I was 16. That was also when I started drinking alcohol. Which, of course, I am a binge drinker. I would drink somewhere between eight and twenty drinks a night…but only a couple times a week so it was OKAY. At least that is what I thought. By the time I graduated high school and into my early twenties, I would drink a minimum of two nights a week up to about a maximum of five. As I got older, the hangovers got worse, and I drank less nights, but still the same amount. Moderation has never been my strong suit. I am definitely an all or nothing kind of gal.
I don’t drink very much anymore, but when I do, it is still to excess. But, it has helped my weight gain slow… or at least I think it has. As of last night, I weighed 291 lbs. This is a scary number for me. There were so many numbers that I told myself I would never get over, and I never intended to weigh as much as I do now. When I graduated high school in 2005, I weighed about 220. When I started high school in 2001, I weighed about 180. In high school, over four years, I gained 40 pounds. During my first year of college I gained about 20 pounds, and between 2006 and 2010 I stayed relatively stable between 240 and 260. Then, something happened and I don’t when or where, but somehow I ended up in the 270s, then 280s, and now 290s. So, in summary, I have gained 71 pounds in the 9 years since I graduated high school. Which, is actually slower than the rate I gained in high school, but still is disastrous. It averages out to about 8 pounds a year since 2001. Comparing this with the average one pound a year after age 35 we supposedly gain… well, it’s just not looking good.
Back to the cleanse: even though I faltered earlier, I am not going to let the entire day be a failure. I modified the Master Cleanse to suit my schedule and made a plan last night that I intend to stick to. If you are not familiar with this particular cleanse, it was created by Stanley Burroughs in the 50s, or somewhere close to. It is supposed to help clean all of the junk out of your system, and let me tell you, it definitely makes you feel lighter. You are supposed to follow it for anywhere from ten to twenty-one days, but there are some who have been on it for a whopping 40 days and 40 nights. I do not have the willpower to do that. (Although, I probably would lose a heck of a lot of weight during that time.) During the cleanse, you only consume a special spicy lemonade concoction made of Grade B Maple Syrup, Cayenne Pepper, and Lemon juice. It is pretty tasty, as far as I am concerned, but with my studies taking top priority, I need a little protein in my life.
My modified plan:
Morning time-
½ Odwalla or Naked Protein Shake (1 serving)
3 (100 calorie) servings on either Spicy Lemonade or Juice
Afternoon-
½ Odwalla or Naked Protein Shake (1 serving)
2 (100 calorie) servings of either Spicy Lemonade or Juice
Evening-
½ Odwalla or Naked Protein Shake (1 serving)
1 (100 calorie) serving of either Spicy Lemonade or Juice
I drink the Odwalla and Naked Protein shakes because they are easy, and I am travelling. Although, when I am home, I make my own a lot of the time. I like to put yummy things like kale, ground flax and goji berries, and peanut butter in my smoothies. J It makes them delicious… to me.
In conclusion for now, I will continue with my plan today, and I will not let my trash eating habits rue the day!
By for now,
Jennifer
On my way to skinny 